


Your confused heart

by araydre, Fancy_Dragonqueen



Series: To your heart [5]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Dubious Consent Due To Identity Issues, Fanart, M/M, Multiple Personalities, Snow, Snowball Fight, Winter is confused, Winter needs a hug, araydre
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-20 13:41:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13147884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/araydre/pseuds/araydre, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fancy_Dragonqueen/pseuds/Fancy_Dragonqueen
Summary: Sometimes it is easier to follow orders.Sometimes it is easier to let James or Bucky take over.Sometimes Winter really wants to curl in himself and sleep.Lucky for him there are at least two people who won't have that. Who can show him that he deserved love and kisses and hugs too.





	Your confused heart

**Author's Note:**

> Merry Christmas!!! Hope you all have some nice days <3

Sometimes there were things he couldn’t understand.  
The world was easier with orders and rules, with a hand guiding his way. Of course he hated that he always needed to be violent to the wrong people and to do things others would see as bad. He feared the day the others would recognize that he did some of them because he enjoyed them. He knew he did bad things. But beating the abusive excuse of a parent because he hurt his daughter in ways no one should hurt a woman felt just right. Same with the dumb woman that let her dogs starve when she couldn’t train them as attack dogs to fight in dogfights. Even if he was punished by his handler for it. Even when Bucky silently gave him a thumb up, but begged him to never tell Steve if they found him.Then again Bucky didn’t know everything, neither did James. He knew James well, but accepted his generally sleeping state and that’s when it hit him. Because he could put them to sleep too. They didn’t need to see everything, to live through it. Winter could be the one bearing that and also keep them from hurting. They didn’t need to kill, they didn’t need to be punished. Everything would be okay like that.

There were things he shouldn’t be proud of, but he was.  
There was this fire in him, burning. Wanting. He wasn’t like Bucky, he wasn’t like James. He was more instincts, hearing what his feeling told him to do and not his brain. Most of the time he knew they would be judging him for it. But it felt like the right thing to do.

Therefore it was easier to have someone making decisions for him. Even if the others, the Mechanic and Brock, tried to give him as much free space as a normal person. That wasn’t what he wanted! He wanted… to be free but kinda not. Also he feared they wouldn’t understand him or feel bad or give him those sad looks. Winter didn’t want that. He didn’t want to scare them away or be sad because of him.

“You up to murder someone or are we out of hot chocolate again?”

Startled Winter stared at the Mechanic, who just stared right back, grinning and slowly lifting his hand to wave at him. The Mechanic wore casual baggy pants and a pullover with a ridiculous reindeer on it, that had a slow blinking nose. It was horrible but it looked like it was really, really soft. Winter needed to confirm the thought, still a frown on his face and took a step closer to the Mechanic, lifting his hand and silently stroking over the fabric. It really was as soft as it looked.

“You like that?”

The Mechanic asked in a silken voice, he wasn’t moving, just letting Winter touch him. It made him proud that the Mechanic trusted him like that, and at the same time he wanted to shout at him for not being this trustworthy. Winter was dangerous. He was feral he would... 

“I can hear the gears in your brain. There is smoke coming out of your ears.”

Winter stared at him for a full second before his hands found their way to his ears. There was nothing coming out of them. Then again he couldn’t grasp smoke, but it would be hot wouldn’t it? There was a faint snicker in the back of his head, a gentle nudge and then it was over. Too confused by the Mechanic’s hearty laugh.

“Is Winter cute again?”

“Yes he is.”

The Commander had joined the Mechanic, kissed him and stole his cup of coffee, took a sip and gave it back to the Mechanic. He too was clad in warm clothes, but they weren’t as bright as the Mechanic’s pullover.

“I am not cute.”

Winter still had his hands on his ears but was slowly lowering them now. His frown deepened while he tried to comprehend what he did wrong to be laughed at now. He didn’t do anything funny at all.

“Aww stop frowning Winter. You look like you want to eat someone.”

A bit scandalized he stared at the Commander. What. Why would he do something like that. The gentle nudge became a bit forcefuller, made him hear inside. Bucky was cuddling against him, trying to nudge him out of the asset-mode. He was a human, he needed to remind himself. And he could act like one.

“Not act. Be a human.”

Or that… He could act to be a human. Winter tried to ignore the soft, little bit annoyed sigh. There were days where everything was a bit confusing. Those days were the days he wished HE could go to sleep and just leave everything behind.

There was a noise right before his face, fingers that were clicking together. Snapping not clicking. Still the noise was the same. Winter stared at the Commander. Rumlow. Brock. He needed to use their names. It made him human to use people’s names.

“Winter. Hey Winter, stay with us. Look at me. Come on. Look into my eyes.”

Winter did.

They were brown. Warm. Focussed on his face. There were flecks of gold in them. Shiny. There was also emotion in them. Warmth. Concern. Why? Nothing happened, everyone was safe, weren’t they?

“You there, you focussed?”

Winter nodded, still staring into the brown eyes, finally registering the lashes, the face the eyes belonged to, the beard. The lips that slowly formed a smirk. Would it be okay to bite them? No. No biting. But he could lick them and that’s what he did. They were cold. Which made him frown. They shouldn’t be cold.

“Why are they cold?”

Brock snorted and shook his head, not talking about being licked at.

“You need to put on warm clothes. We are going outside. It’s the first real snow and that big child over there wants to build a snowman.”

Winter stared at him, this time more confused than before. He opened his mouth and licked his lower lip before he responded. A horrible suspicion widened his eyes.

“Will…. will he be like me? That’s… not possible. We do not have the proper equipment or skill.”

That wasn’t really the question he wanted to ask.  
Do they want to get rid of him and try to have a new one? Would they abandon him?  
It wasn’t possible to accomplish this mission. They would fail. He would make it fail. He didn’t want to be got rid of. He liked it with them.

“Hey, hey. No. Stop it. Breath. Honey. Deep breaths. Not like you. There’s only you for us. Gosh you’re taking everything literal here, huh?” 

Winter nodded slow, trying to not panic more, James and Bucky supportive trying to sooth him with soft whispers. It was distracting and made him itching with the need to cry. It was sometimes like that, that he did everything wrong. That he couldn’t understand what they wanted from him, what they talked about. Sometimes it was easier like that to only take everything word for word, but most of the times it was just confusing.

“Give him a break, Brock. He’s confused and doesn’t need to be confused some more. We are going outside and playing in the snow, just fun, nothing serious. But If you don’t want we can stay inside. It’s okay. Really.”

Winter knows it would be alright. He just knows they wouldn’t judge him for being awkward today, but he also knows that Tony really wanted to play in the snow, a thing normally reserved to children and not grown ups, wasn’t it? Winter couldn’t remember being a child, even if he could remember a lot.

“I would love that?”

It was more of a question than a statement. Was he allowed to love it? Was he allowed to want? But obviously it was the right answer because Tony’s face lit up and smiled at him brightly.

“Great! You need more clothes and a warm jacket and we can go outside. The roof is covered in snow and we can build everything there. You will love it!”

Tony was away in a blur of noise and happiness, and everything Winter yearned for. His heart ached, and he cursed that he wasn’t able to just be whatever they wanted him to be.

You are so NOT thinking at all.

The snort in his mind was teasing, not hurtful and he let his shoulders fall.

“Maybe. At least one of us needs to think.”

“You can be lucky that I know that you’re talking with the other two. Well I hope that you are talking to the other two, otherwise I would be very concerned about your health.”

Winter had forgotten about Brock.

“Perhaps I meant you and Tony.”

Bold. Daring. Impudent. Winter didn’t know.  
Still Brock laughed and clapped his hand on Winter’s shoulder.

“You’re right Winter. Let’s get you dressed.”

Winter nodded and followed him, dressed himself in as many layers as an onion, while Brock only got a worn leather jacket.

“You’re not my mother, Winter. Quit that frown. I don’t need more. I don’t get sick.”

Winter wanted to object, but deemed it better to stay silent, the Commander was frowning now, very defensive. Winter knew that the Commander would attack for defense so he’d better wait to see what Tony would say, even when Bucky whined in the back of his head and tried to make him do something.

The Commander was old enough. If he said he wouldn’t get sick then Winter would trust him.

Tony came back, also clothed in layers of fabric, frowned only a second at Brock but then shrugged, grabbed Winter’s hand and dragged him outside.  
Winter was glad that he had been silent, because if Tony didn’t say anything then it would be alright.

Winter did know snow. He disliked the cold but the almost childlike joy in Tony’s face made it easier to endure the white menace. With a small smile forming on his own face he watched Tony gathering snow and forming it to a ball. What he wasn’t prepared for was the ball of snow hitting him right in the face.  
It was cold. Wet. Confusing.

Winter shivered and didn’t quite know what to do, blinked slowly and turned his head to the Commander who just snorted and formed a ball of his own.

“You need to make balls and hit him. Here.”

With that he was handed a ball out fresh snow, a little bit wet. It was formed into something that should be a ball but wasn’t. It wasn’t round like a ball should be. Instead it was bigger on one side and not enough pressed on the other one. Winter took the snow into his hand, rolled it until he had something more resembling a ball and tried to give it back to the Commander who stared at him like he had grown another head. Which he hadn’t.

“You fucking kidding me, kid? Go. Throw it. You don’t need to tell me that you’re better at forming snowballs. Fuck you.”

Winter nodded, that was a mission he could accomplish, and threw the ball right into the Commander’s face, being startled by Tony’s loud and almost maniac cackle.

What followed was a fight in the snow, led by Bucky and fought by Winter against both Tony and Brock. (Bucky insisted to call them by their names because that wasn’t as “creepy” as calling them by their professions. Winter was glad he did. He liked their names.)

Also it seemed he had been right.

Brock wasn’t clad warm enough.

It was only a day later that the man lay flat with a cold, his nose beet red, and eyes glassy. His coughing had woken Tony and Bucky, both frowning at the sick man. Winter had told him to wear warmer clothes, but no. 

Therefore it was Winter’s turn to care for the man, cuddle him close and make him eat his soup, even if Brock tried to fight him. It helped that he was too weak to keep his mouth closed for too long. There was no way Brock could breath with his nose. It made Winter slowly gain back a bit of his self confidence. Even if Tony still laughed at both of them. Somehow this was nice too.

**Author's Note:**

> araydre. what the hell :D you are faster with drawing than me with writing XD that's sorcery!
> 
> also if you have discord please join us on the WinterIron server! https://discord.gg/A32YB6Y It's an awesome place <3 full of fanart, fanfic and lovely writers, artists and lurkers :D


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